Style Conversational Week 1124: The tale of the once-titillating sonnet Add to list The Style Invitational Empress ruminates all over this week’s contest Fox’s New York affiliate didn’t want to offend the Nipple Police during its news report, so it helpfully smudged over the cubist breasts. (Taken from TV) By Pat MyersMay 14, 2015 This past Monday, the Picasso painting “Women of Algiers” sold for $160 million (plus hefty commission), shattering the record for a work of art sold at auction. Even though the 1950s work did not specifically criticize Barack Obama, New York’s Fox affiliate brought the news to its viewers anyway. Well, sort of. This screen grab from Monday night shows how the station protected its viewers’ eyes from depictions of female breasts. (Evidently, the curvaceous bare butt in the middle of the painting did not pose an ocular hazard.) I read about the Ridiculous Fox Blur just as I started writing this column today — two days after I did something not all that different, really. As his best entry in Week 1120 of The Style Invitational, Frank Osen — author of an award-winning poetry collection, as well as an incessant Loser — linked the categories of “an Elizabethan sonnet” and “a three-cupped bra” in the excellent full 14-line sonnet that gets ink as the last item of today’s results. Except that Frank’s original was a bit different. Frank’s little story-in-verse is about God originally making Eve as the first human — with three breasts — then using the third one to make a helpmeet for her. And it ended, originally, with this couplet: Then God said: Hold off thanking Me, a bit. Let’s see, where did I put that useless tit? My initial reaction was to put the poem only in the online Invite, because of its length but primarily because “tit” is considered a verboten vulgarism by The Washington Post, right up there with [deleted], [deleted] and [are you kidding? deleted!]. But I personally don’t think that term is very offensive if it’s not used in an offensive context — and this one wasn’t. And when I found on Tuesday that I actually had a fair amount of room in this weekend’s Style section, and found that Frank’s poem fit perfectly on the page, I added the poem at the end (this is why it didn’t end up as one of the top winners) and went to bat for it. I sent copy editor Doug Norwood this in an e-mail: “You’ll see that the very last entry is a perfect 14-line sonnet, beautifully done, plus funny. The last word is “tit.” If you/they insist, we can make it “[breast],” “t-t,” etc. But I think that would make us look awfully silly. The other 13 lines, as you’ll see, are not at all vulgar.” “The old 13-out-of-14-ain’t-bad argument! I like it!” Doug answered. But it wouldn’t be Doug’s call; he’d be obligated to show it to a higher-up editor. And in my experience, people don’t like to be asked to be daring if they won’t suffer by not being daring. I had also asked the opinion of my predecessor, The Czar of The Style Invitational, who coincidentally provides today’s “poetic” example. From Gchat instant messaging on Tuesday: Czar: of course they will [kill the poem]. you cannot put that in the paper. Pat Myers: i think it’s fine it’s not sexual and for 13 3/4 lines it’s not the least bit vulgar Czar: ARE YOU S---TING ME? you are toying with me. Pat Myers: no! i’m serious Czar: f--- = s--- = c--- = d--- = c--- = tit. [In The Post’s eyes, he meant; not his own.] And so instead, that evening I wrote to Frank and asked him for an alternative couplet, one that didn’t use The Bad Word. And within minutes, Frank wrote me back, without a word (to me) of grousing: Then God said, as he rummaged in his trunk, Let’s see, where did I put [that] [your] useless hunk? Then God said: Hold off thanking Me, a bit. Let’s see, where did I put [that] [your] useless bit? Then God said: I’ll need clay, a largish clump. Let’s see, where did I put [that] [your] useless lump? [could switch clump and lump ] Then God said: Help me search here in the grass. Let’s see, if we can use [that] [your] useless mass? Then God said: He won’t be a work of art. Let’s see, where did I put [that] [your] useless part? I chose the last one, allowing our print-paper readers to cast their eyes upon Frank’s art, just as the Fox5 news director felt he had to do with the Picasso painting. Just as silly? Feel free to discuss here or, preferably, on the Style Invitational Devotees page on Facebook. Meanwhile, lots of other ingenious comparisons among this week’s inking entries. There was a lot of duplication that sometimes canceled out all the similar entries, while other times I chose one that I thought was better than the others in some small way. How exciting to have a First Offender walk away with the Inkin’ Memorial this week! Jaclyn Yamada just missed getting ink when she first entered the Invitational one week earlier, and this time the New York mortgage banker came up with the super-nifty 3-snips-and-out/3-snaps-and-out comparison between a $4 haircut and the Redskins’ offensive line. (I had so many clever wordplays on football terms that I think I could have filled the results with only combinations for “offensive line.” But Jaclyn’s was especially clever, and appropriate for “offensive line,” as opposed to some that referred to catching balls and such.) While the first- and second runners-up, Brendan Beary and Elden Carnahan, are both Invitational Hall of Famers, such fixtures that new entrants sometimes refer to their celebrity in their entries, as if referencing Abraham Lincoln or John Wayne Gacy. But fourth place is shared this week by two much fresher names: It’s just the second blot of ink for Jack McBroom of Virginia’s Shenandoah Valley; he first scored in Week 1111’s song-title-pun contest (Theme song for the National Super PAC Clearinghouse: “As Slime Goes By”). On the other hand, John Conti (no relation as far as I know to Loser Edmund Conti) has been entering with laudable discrimination all the way back to the Empress’s first year, 2004; this is only John’s 15th blot of ink, but it’s his fourth “above the fold” (including a winner). (A long list of unprintable entries cowers in shame at the bottom of this column.) What Doug Dug: Doug Norwood’s faves this week: Brendan’s second-place “Middle Eastern vs. You’re a peein’ ”; Mary Kappus’s idea of putting the $4 haircut and 3-cupped bra into “The 12 Days of Deep Discount Christmas”; Wendy Sparks’s “finishing Number 1” (overactive bladder, 400-yard dash), and Rick Haynes’s “16 quarters aren’t enough ($4 haircut, Redskins line) . Laugh Out of Courtney: Desk chief Courtney Rukan’s background is in sports news, and she did enjoy “all of the digs on the Washington Football Club,” but she picked as her top favorite another one of Brendan’s:”With an overactive bladder, you need to pee urgently; with a $4 haircut, you need a toupee urgently.” POETRY TO THE MAXIM: THE NEW CONTEST FOR WEEK 1124 I am foreseeing many Style Invitational Ink of the Day memes after I print the results of this contest, in which I gave five little bits of advice for everyday life (drawn from a long list of topics that occurred to me and the Czar) and ask for poetic versions of same. ADVERTISING Up-and-coming Loser Todd DeLap (36 inks since Week 1039) was inspired by something rather different from the contest topic: He’d seen an article about a county council in Britain that received a resident’s e-mail asking for a replacement trash can lid — and the request was in the form of a limerick. In response, the councilors (or I guess I should make it “councillors”) left her a phone message asking her if the “bin lid” would be for refuse or recycling. Also as a limerick. So Todd extrapolated that idea into “a poem usable in regular(ish) daily life,” resulting in today’s contest. The “eight lines or fewer” can mean eight long lines, with interior rhyme, if they’re wonderful; we had a little kerfuffle over this matter a couple of years ago, and I do not wish to rekerfuff. But as with all longer entries, they have to be really outstanding to make the print paper — and you probably can’t be one of the top winners if you can’t make the print paper. DON’T PULL OUR CHAIN: RSVP TO THE FLUSHIES We’re at only about 42 people who’ve told Elden they’d be attending this year’s Flushies Awards and Sillifest on Saturday afternoon, May 30. Are you still rooting around in the bottom of your purse for the $5, or what? We can take roughly (oh, baby, yeah) 18 more of y’all. See bit.ly/flushies2015 and RSVP to Elden. (And let me know, too.) I think we will demand that Frank Osen — who’ll be coming in from L.A. — read The Unexpurgated Sonnet. A-HUNTING WILL YOU GO? One reason that the Flushies are on May 30 is that out-of-towners can also participate in the Post Hunt — the annual spectacle in downtown Washington in which thousands of people run around trying to figure out diabolical brain-teasers cooked up by Gene Weingarten, Dave Barry and Tom Shroder (who all will be there as usual). A team of Losers got very close to winning last year — maybe this time will be the charm (and you get to split $2,000, not a bobblehead). Let’s see if we can get a couple of Loser teams together this time. I think the Devotees page would be best for coordinating it. Don’t dare compare: Unprintables from Week 1120 Among many more: Dilbert’s necktie and that “not so fresh” feeling: The first appears much higher in Google search results for “douche.” (Kevin Dopart) Pizza-scented shampoo and that “not so fresh” feeling are both recognized by the fragrance of Eau d’Anchovies. (Brad Alexander) A style invitational magnet and a tattoo of Joe Biden: Both involve the output from a bunch of pricks.(Rick Haynes) An elderly Labrador retriever vs. that “not so fresh feeling”: Neither one is suitable for heavy petting. (Tom Witte) An elderly Labrador retriever vs. that “not so fresh feeling”: One is a mangy Lab, the other is a mangy labia. (Witte again) Dilbert’s necktie isn’t like a Style Invitational Loser magnet: No drunk chick at an office party ever tried to Lewinsky the magnet. (Lawrence McGuire) Pizza-scented shampoo and that “”not so fresh”” feeling: Both are heavy on the extra-cheese and mushrooms. (Rob Huffman) The Redskins offensive line vs. an overactive bladder: Both are likely to result in pissing away an afternoon. (Larry Passar) Yemen vs. the 400-meter dash: There is contest for control of Yemen by some cunning runts, and the 400-meter dash is often contested by some running gents. (Roy Ashley) [Yeah, right, Roy. Big fix there.] An elderly Labrador retriever and Ruth Bader Ginsburg doing the Macarena: Them old bitches don’t move like they used to.(Jon Gearhart) What an amazing coincidence: Every one of the above entries was written by a man!